I Have to Write a Bio…

I have to write a bio for a scholarship that I received. I am nervous about writing it.

Honestly, I have a hard time talking about myself. I try to hide in the shadows and avoid being seen. but writing a bio forces me out of the shadow.

In the shadows I can be anything at anytime.

Emerging from the shadows means that I have to enter into the light. My light is writing. I have toyed with the idea of being a writer for a very long time and it never really sticks. I started this blog many moons ago to explore writing. I started out with poetry but overtime I changed my flow.

While I love poetry and will probably continue to dabble in the art I realized that I write better stories. This past year has forced me to slow down and have some honest conversations with myself. These conversations showed me that I was not living authentically and in order to do so I needed to commit to my writing.

So I decided to start applying for MFA programs.

I got accepted and now I have to write a bio for a scholarship that I received.

Here’s to the spaces between the words that I wrote at odd hours of the day.

Music Monday’s

I forgot it was Monday and that I should be sharing some music. In the spirit of this weekend-here are my choices.

Notice the recurring theme!

Because I am a queen that thing goes on-and-on.

Let’s Share: Mary Beth

I made a new friend at a conference I attended over the weekend. Please stop by her and visit her blog. She was absolutely delightful and kind. She definitely had an infectious smile.

Happy Monday!

https://mbcoudal.com/about/

 

Reading and Daughters

I should write some more. I think about the things I should be writing but I have yet to actually write anything. I may be over thinking everything in my life right now, there really isn’t much going on other than reading books and hanging out with my daughters.

I finally graduated in May. It took me ten years to receive my Bachelor’s degree but I finally did it.

Walking across that stage marks the beginning and end simultaneously. A decade of my life is over but something new is on the horizon or so I keep hearing. Part of me feels like a lost puppy wandering through a rain storm trying to find a home.

I am unsure of what I am supposed to do now that I have time on my hands.

Well—for starters I have started reading all those other books that are on my to be read list. Here are just a few:

  1. Ray Bradury Zen in the Art of Writing (Completed)
  2. The Bhagavad Git (Krishna’s Counsel in the Time of War) (Completed)
  3. Cofedaracy of Dunces (In progress)
  4. Good Omens (In Progress)
  5. Shadow of the Wind (Reread just because it’s GREAT; I am going to buy it in Spanish to read that version also)

Another thing I have been able to do is really get back to basics.

I now have a lot more time to hang out with my kids, but I also realize how much older they are. Soon, they will be leaving my side to journey on their own path in life. I wonder about their future because that’s what I do. I wonder how they will grow up and where they will go, I wonder if I have done enough and then I worry a little bit more than I should.

I worry about how life will test them and try to break them. And all I can do is hope that they find the strength to over come anything that can or might happen to them in their lives. My role is to be there for them through any and every moment, to cry with them when they’re disappointed and to rejoice in the laughter and happiness. Most assuredly, having children is one of the most challenging aspects of life.

Learning how to let go, when to worry, when not to worry are all daily struggles in my life as a parent. The biggest struggle is not over reacting, which I do quite often. A quote from a new favorite book Shadow of the Wind explains best what I and countless other parents can’t quite put into words:

“If you ever have a daughter – a blessing I wouldn’t wish on anyone, because it’s Murphy’s Law that sooner or later she will break your heart – anyhow, as I was saying, if you ever have a daughter, you’ll begin, without realizing it, to divide men into two camps: those you suspect are sleeping with her and those you don’t. Whoever says that’s not true is lying through his teeth.”

Maybe, I have way too much time on my hands right now but I think it has allowed me to realize the precious finite amount of time I have left with my daughters.

So in between creating more memories with my daughters I will read.

I will

I will run away as fast as my feet will move
I will hide from you in plain sight
I’ll take my love and break it down
Then throw it out
Returning to my selfish ways

I’ll feel no more
Clean my wounds
Then dress them up

I will move my feet
Dance my own beat
Sing out of tune
And play that game too.

Take it all
Then burn it up
Watch the flames consume the entirety of my sins
Scald the flesh
Destroy my passions

Burn the bridge and watch it fall

Treading through the cinders of dread

Submitting unto the sweet surrender of agony again.

What Happens?

What happens after the eyes meet?
The soul speaks
And the mind connects
Capturing the moment of intensity.

What happens when the lips touch?
Sparks begin to fly
The world spins on its head
Your legs feel weak
Your breath subsides.

Then your body craves his touch?
Quivering with excitement
Your mind races ahead
Feeling the moment as it takes you away.

What happens
When
Eyes meet
And lips touch
As our bodies’ do connect

And then…
What happens when…

We Are Not Really There At All

I had an epiphany! I am going to delete Facebook. A few weeks ago I made this decision since I found myself spending way too much time scrolling through a news feed of irrelevant information; countless connections and intrusions into personal lives of people that I really did not know.  Then there was the FB façade because everyone is FB famous. So I made my way into the settings and deleted the account.

Then something great happened; I had a lot more time to do simple things. I noticed that those that matter didn’t mind and made sure they were able to connect with me. Those that were not part of my life were not impacted by my disappearance, and my life is not impacted by the loss either.  I am now connected more with those who are really a part of my life and I have more time to pay attention to the world.

I found myself spending way too much time scrolling through a news feed of irrelevant information; countless connections and intrusions into personal lives of people that I really did not know.  Then add into the mix the FB façade because everyone is FB famous. So I made the conscious decision to delete .social  Then something great happened; I had a lot more time to do simple things. I noticed that those that matter didn’t mind and made sure they were able to connect with me. Those that were not part of my life were not impacted by my disappearance, and my life is not impacted by the loss either.  I am now connected more with those who are really a part of my life and I have more time to pay attention to the world.

I have always had a good relationship with my children, but I noticed that as I got rid of FB my relationship with my kids has improved vastly. Now I am engaging them in even more conversations and surprisingly they are very talkative (I don’t think that they have figured out the correlation as to why Mommy is asking more and more questions, and why I am not on my phone as much). All too often, we pick up our devices when we are bored and when we are not bored even when there are others around us.

After I deleted my account I noticed that I didn’t miss the narcissistic self-love that is constantly promoted on social media. The instant gratification of our lives has ruined many aspects of human interaction.  No longer are we interacting with people on a personal level; instead, we are conversing with screens of light that hold our attention. We have lost the art of conversation and human interaction. Engaging with technology more than we do with one another. We really have lost that ability to connect with others.

When is the last you called someone and talked to them?

Today, people can evade personal conflict by typing out a message on a screen and effortlessly we are able to disregard emotions since we can hide behind a device. It is easy to avoid, ignore and block a person from your device; block lists on your phone, email, and social media accounts make it so that you never have to hear from that person again. Poof! They’re gone (it’s that easy to sever the line of communication).

You never have to think about your actions when you can block the repercussions from your phone.  You never have to explain anything or even answer for your behaviors, you don’t have to deal with the reality of your circumstances, and you can ignore that maybe you hurt someone. (PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! Remember that it is never okay to break up with someone in a text message.) Humanity is being transferred into emoticons and we are losing the importance of interaction. I much rather hear a voice on the other end and talk. Think about the time it takes to type out the message, make revisions, send the message, wait for delivery of the message, then the person has to open the message, then decide if they’re going to respond to the message, type out their message, send it and repeat ( I could have called you and gotten the answer in less time).

Am I guilty of engaging in such behaviors? Of course, I am, but I have become aware of what the problem is. We will never give up our technology but we can try to talk a little bit more with one another,  interact more with those around us. Get to know people and not the image they want you to see, make mistakes and learn from them. Get away from the device and live life a little more than you did today.

Fall

I fell a few times before
Unsure of how to get up again
I lost my balance
Wavering through life
Trying to figure out where to place my feet down next

I fell through the whole of existence
I met myself in resistance
I played my hand one more time
Rolled the dice and tried again
Snake eyes was the fate of life

I picked myself up another time
I tried and tried and tried again

Tired
Listless
It’s hard to move
Stuck
Beyond the frames of time
I’m trapped within the days

I felt the stirrings within
I ran as they consumed my sins

I fall again
I rise again

I will not be myself again.

Not A Movie Review

I went to see La La Land as it was playing at a theater close to home.

I was dazzled by this flashy musical. It was complete with cheesy quips and references to  The Golden Age of Hollywood.  Classic Hollywood infused with a modern day twist  (Let’s not forget the Prius’) . It portrayed a nostalgic feeling for a time gone by struggling to be relevant today.

I have always loved old movies. I grew up watching Turner Classic Movies because I recall being fascinated by these old movies. I was always a peculiar child (still a peculiar adult)  and my taste in music, television and film was always different. Some of my favorite titles include: Casablanca, Guys and Dolls (Who doesn’t love Marlon Brando?), Daddy Long Legs, Singing in the Rain, An American in Paris, The Greatest Show On Earth, Ever After, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Harry Potter movies, The Star Wars Saga (I think you get the point! I’m everywhere and nowhere all at once).

Sitting in the theater watching this love story of dreamers brought a smile to my face.

I found myself being reminded  of the child like wonder I used to feel watching these big gaudy colorful numbers. It reminded me of  how I felt the first time I saw James Dean in Rebel Without A Cause, and how I swooned over Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca he tells Ingrid Bergman filled with stoic passion”If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” (Where are those men? Oh yea, in the movies). There was something so simple and sincere about old Hollywood movies.

This got me thinking that maybe my ideas of life are a mix of old meets new. I  struggle to find some relevancy in an unfeeling world full of distracted people who don’t always appreciate my quirks.

Not everyone enjoys old movies and forget a musical, but I do. Movies filled with flashy dancing, songs about love, awe inspired moments of bliss that take you off into the stars floating through the clouds and have you skipping through your day humming those stupid love songs out loud.

Sometimes I forget I’m a dreamer, other times I avoid my dreams. Then there are moments when I am reminded of them, and watching La La Land reminded me that being a dreamer and quirky are part of who I am.

I want to break out into song and dance in the middle of my day, but since I can’t sing  I’ll just listen to my music and hum along until someone tells me to shut up. I’ll just open my eyes a little wider and view the world around me, and then maybe I’ll visit the stars a little more than I used to and find a place in the clouds to hang out and watch the world spin on its head.

Isolated

Anger festers deep within
Sorrow
Is your cage-

Holding on to you

All alone-
Pushing away those who draw near.

Pain remains;
Darkness grows.
You’re consuming it whole.

Damaging darkness prevails.

The harsh heated hatred takes hold.

Isolated feelings remain.

Battling the light that shines on through your night;

Smothering it to darkness-

A constant battle ensues.
Struggling to remain;
The light won’t prevail.

At odds with it all.

Alone in thought.

Drowning within.

Isolation remains.